Leaving (On the Plane from Bangalore - Paris)

i left a lot of people i love today.

although i cried at Bandhavi earlier, there were no tears as i drove out of Visthar. or when i said goodbye to Sid and Roshen because, honestly, it didn’t really feel like i was going anywhere. but when i sat at the airport reorganizing my things - alone - and found Jyothi’s card, that’s when it hit me that it’s for real and i dont have any idea when i will see any of them ever again.

and that sucks.

my body resisted as i boarded the plane and the tears started as i walked down the jetway. i walked back and back and back and was a bit peeved to find that i was the end of the row of crying babies. but then i had to laugh, because i am crying just as hard {if silent} as any of them. i felt like Mel, sitting on the airplane crying. the flight attendant even asked if i was ok or needed anything.

i was comforted by the woman next to me speaking Kannada to her fussing daughter. but then she called her Akshaya, and the tears began all over again. the woman asked where i was going, and i laughed when i said america through my tears - home. normally people are thrilled to be going home for christmas. not me. i would rather spend it in india.

we started down the runway, and with each rotation of the wheel i felt myself resisting more and more and found myself chanting, “i dont want to leave i dont want to leave” we stopped, and i took a few deep breaths. i was going to be ok. nope. then we took off, and when the plane jetted into the air i literally felt my heart rip in half. and it hurt. so badly. i couldnt breathe, i started heaving, and i had to hold onto the handles i was in so much pain.

this is the strangest feeling/emotion i have ever felt {and i’m going to stop writing soon because my eyes and head hurt so much}. it is a good emotion though - it means i have loved, and deeply. but it also means that love has now been left behind. and this pain, well, i dont think i have felt anything like it. ever.

and the funny thing is, as i laugh through my tears, i’m going home for christmas. christmas! aren’t you suppoed to be excited to go home for christmas? because i’’m not. at all.