Emotional Breakdown.

I had an emotional breakdown today. It was bad – really bad. I think I could see it coming, yet didn’t expect it to really happen.

This morning I had a meeting with Roshen. The professor of the Iowa program died, and the program isn’t happening. Which means my job is ending, and there is nothing more that I can do here that would make sense for me to stay.

Sid invited me over for lunch; his family was having friends over, and it would give us some time to hang out since the students are leaving for a month tomorrow. I left around 3:30, hugged him goodbye, and got in the car. As we drove towards Visthar, I felt like I was in a movie. There were conversations going on around me, but it was just static. Instead, I was fighting the emotions that came up as I realized, not that I wouldn’t see Siddo, Roshen, and the kids for a month, but that in a month, I would be saying goodbye for quite possibly forever. I knew I shouldn’t break down sobbing in the car, so I forced myself out of my melancholy reverie to chat with Ruben about inconsequential things such as the fireworks that he set off last night for Diwali.

When the car stopped, though, I practically jumped out. I didn’t know what to do. What normally makes me feel better? the girls. So I headed over to Bandhavi, which was an awful idea. Because the second I got there, I just fell deeper in love. I stood in the courtyard watching everybody go about their Saturday afternoon business, and the sadness built. Subi came and did her usual, “Hi Jen!” and I weakly tried to smile to say with the same enthusiasm, “Hi Subi!” She struck a pose and said, “How are you Jen?” and I said, “I’m fine…” and started to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

This was concerning for them. Hugs, kisses, and “Aunty why are you baydger [sad]?” I told them, through gasping breaths and laughs, “I don’t want to leave”. “We still have one month. Don’t waste your tears.” Said Padma. I sat with Padma, Subi, and Raji for a long time on the step; girls came to hug me, to talk…but as we sat, I felt wet drops fall onto my hand. I looked up, thinking it was raining. But the rain was falling from Raji’s eyes, and Padma was wiping away her own tears. This made me stop, because I didn’t want to cause a fuss, didn’t want to make them all cry because I know there will be more than enough crying come December 21.

As I sat holding them (or rather, as they sat holding me), I realized that when I came to India, I knew that I would be okay. I knew it would be a great experience, and I knew that I wanted to make the most of it. I’m a “bloom where you’re planted” kind of girl, and honestly I think I could thrive anywhere. But what I didn’t know - or expect, for some reason - was that I would ever love it as much as I do. I started thinking of the other times that I have cried in India, and realized that except for the one time I lost if after Crystal left, all of the other times I have cried have been related to a love for India. And that is saying something.