Conflicting Emotions

This blog was originally going to be titled “Best. Day. Ever.” Because it was. I started the morning with the girls skyping a summer intern, which was SO much fun and brought back a lot of good memories…plus it’s always fun to hear the girls quizzing the interns on their names, bringing back inside jokes and even demanding dances out of the poor skypee. I watched a really good but hard-to-watch Hindi movie called Earth (for anyone studying, researching, or teaching either identity or Indian history, this is a must-see!), gained some big respect for Sid as he facilitated the post-movie discussion, got super excited because I get to be his date to a Muslim wedding next week (I found out today that it is a TWO NIGHT affair: Sunday night, which consists of ceremonial traditions and lots of food and then Monday night, which consists of mostly lots of food), and then spent the rest of the afternoon outside with the girls and the SJPD students. It was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day and so the girls washed pretty much everything that they owned and than sat with it as it was drying all afternoon. I had some good heart-to-hearts with Padma and Raji, two of the girls in the 10^th class, and then stayed in that same place until 6:10. The girls circulated through, and the SJPD students circulated through. we taught them the Macarena, Electric Slide, Cupid Shuffle, and Cha Cha slide. We sang songs, braided hair, looked at pictures, played a form of baseless baseball/cricket with a racket. We painted nails and we beat boxed. And laughed…a lot. Just another day in paradise.

Then it was dinnertime. And…the new group of students was nowhere to be found. The kitchen staff hadn’t been informed for breakfast that there were two groups of students, so they wanted to make sure that they would be cooking for the correct number for dinner. I had asked all students if they would be back for dinner, and they weren’t. I’ve been trying really hard to like these new kids and to think the best of them, but they really aren’t doing much to help me out. The cook kept coming in and checking the food (they made enough for thirty people…which is the correct amount, but looks like a hecka lot of food!) and the group finally came in at around 7:40. Oh man. I tried to be nice and understanding but I think my body language threw me off. I tried to engage them in conversation about their experiences this weekend, and it just wasn’t happening. And…they ate absolutely nothing. And half of what they put on their plates went into the trash bins. And what they did eat, they ate with silverware. Oh man I was so mad. And the cook was mad, too. He even asked one of my kids (who stayed behind to socialize and to help me clean up) why she didn’t eat anything. I’m really struggling with these kids. Not to mention that they don’t really seem to have any interest in india or wringing the most out of their experience, talking to them is like pulling teeth, and their professor is super disconnected and his wife treats the girls like they are poor Indian children who have no mothers and are deaf and to be treated like animals in a zoo.

So I came home and read for a bit and then made my way over to Bandhavi to say goodnight, as usual. The girls have exams this week, so they were allowed one half-hour of television before the box was going to be off for the rest of the week. I chatted with the few who weren’t watching tv, and when I left that room there was Kashima, sitting on the stairs crying. She is always scared to go to school because her teachers hit her and they don’t understand and she doesn’t understand and I just felt so helpless. So helpless.

So if I were to tell you my top five emotions right now (Molls I know you’ve been wondering J) it is such an odd mixture:

1. LOVE for the girls. Wow my heart is swelling so big.

2. GRATITUDE that the students on my program are as respectful and responsible and reactive – and FUN! – as they are

3. ANNOYANCE with the new program and the fact that we are doing everything that we can to cultivate (a) an welcoming community and (b) an incredible learning opportunity and they are just not “getting” it

4. ANGER at the Indian school system

5. EXCITEMENT for the next 3 months and everything that they will hold…and everything that I am going to squeeze out of them. But along with that comes a twinge of SADNESS because I only have 3 months…and this has now become home, and it is going to be so hard to leave.