Disturb your Comforts and Comfort your Disturbs

Yesterday, I heard this phrase, “Disturb your Comforts and Comfort your Disturbs”, used with schoolchildren as it related to breaking out of their typical friend groups and making new friends.

Today, I continued to repeat this phrase over and over and over again as I forced myself to read a book for fun. It was a rainy day in India [it is monsoon season, after all], and what do we dream about on rainy days in America? “Oh, I would just love to stay inside and curl up with a book.” Yes, you’ve said it, I’ve said it, but how often do we really do it?

I am the kind of girl who has this fantasy of what my life could be like [having time to relax and read and bike and fish and bake] but then gets anxious when she is not doing anything, not being productive, and fills it up with other things…busy things. So today, as I sat to read a book for pleasure, I started to feel it again. The anxiety in my stomach. Laying in my bed and reading a book was disturbing my comfort. My mind started rolling with things that I should be doing: “I should go play with the girls” “I should be reading something that pertains to my research” “I should figure out how to get a cell phone” “I should see if the other interns need help with anything” but then I said, “Jen. What do you want to do?” and I answered, “I want to be reading. I want to be relaxing. I want to learn how to live the life that I never seem to have time for…I need to learn to be good to me.”

And so today, I forced myself to read a book. Sometimes outside under the Indian sun, sometimes inside listening to the monsoon pattering on my brick-hut roof. I had to let go of my need to do something, and to let myself to be. I disturbed my comfort [strange that such a small thing could cause such discomfort] and tried to let the disturb be comforted by itself…by reading a book.

The funny thing is that while I read that book, I read something that identified exactly what I am feeling/experiencing…

At some point, you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you…Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well – that would be the end of the universe. But try dropping it…this is the message I’m getting. Sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. Watch what happens. The birds do not crash dead out of the sky in mid-flight, after all. The trees do not wither and die, the rivers do not run red with blood. Life continues to go on…why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential? Why don’t you let it be?

[The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. While I don’t agree with or ascribe to many of her theological thoughts or “finding herself” practices, I am really enjoying (a) her writing style and (b) her journey as she tries to let go and allow herself pleasure, devotion, and balance.]

So now if you will excuse me…I have to go read J