Leaving (On the Plane from Paris - Mpls)

I was sitting here on

the plane

and realized i have my phone

so i can call when i

land.

then i realized

i dont really want to.

instead,

i have been filled with

a paralyzing fear.

i dont want to get off

this plane.

and i definitely

dont want to

go through

those sliding doors after

customs.

i get nauseaus just

thinking about it.

because once i

step through those doors

it’s real.

it’s over.

and i dont want it to be.

Leaving (On the Plane from Bangalore - Paris)

i left a lot of people i love today.

although i cried at Bandhavi earlier, there were no tears as i drove out of Visthar. or when i said goodbye to Sid and Roshen because, honestly, it didn’t really feel like i was going anywhere. but when i sat at the airport reorganizing my things - alone - and found Jyothi’s card, that’s when it hit me that it’s for real and i dont have any idea when i will see any of them ever again.

and that sucks.

my body resisted as i boarded the plane and the tears started as i walked down the jetway. i walked back and back and back and was a bit peeved to find that i was the end of the row of crying babies. but then i had to laugh, because i am crying just as hard {if silent} as any of them. i felt like Mel, sitting on the airplane crying. the flight attendant even asked if i was ok or needed anything.

i was comforted by the woman next to me speaking Kannada to her fussing daughter. but then she called her Akshaya, and the tears began all over again. the woman asked where i was going, and i laughed when i said america through my tears - home. normally people are thrilled to be going home for christmas. not me. i would rather spend it in india.

we started down the runway, and with each rotation of the wheel i felt myself resisting more and more and found myself chanting, “i dont want to leave i dont want to leave” we stopped, and i took a few deep breaths. i was going to be ok. nope. then we took off, and when the plane jetted into the air i literally felt my heart rip in half. and it hurt. so badly. i couldnt breathe, i started heaving, and i had to hold onto the handles i was in so much pain.

this is the strangest feeling/emotion i have ever felt {and i’m going to stop writing soon because my eyes and head hurt so much}. it is a good emotion though - it means i have loved, and deeply. but it also means that love has now been left behind. and this pain, well, i dont think i have felt anything like it. ever.

and the funny thing is, as i laugh through my tears, i’m going home for christmas. christmas! aren’t you suppoed to be excited to go home for christmas? because i’’m not. at all.

Leaving [Waiting to Board]

this sucks, dude.

why the heck am i

leaving india?!?

sucks. sucks. sucks.

sucks.

sucks.

i really wish i were

more articulate right now.

but as my girls’ faces

and laughter

replay in my mind,

i didn’t even get

to give everyone a

real goodbye,

there's so much more

i want to learn,

and my final image of

Roshen is him peering

through the window

clutching in his arms

a precious gook, giggling,

i wonder why.

and i tell myself,

this sucks, dude.

Goodbye India

Today, I'm leaving India. This country, these people, have captured a piece of my heart, and as I leave, and this piece remains, my heart is breaking. This song by Carrie Underwood is one that has played through my head often over the past few weeks as I've prepared to say goodbye, and although it is a song about a boy and a girl, it really resonates and captures what I am feeling as I leave this place and people who I have loved and who have loved me for the past six months.

So hard to see myself without you

I felt a piece of my heart break

But when you’re standing at a crossroad

There’s a choice you’ve gotta make

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt

I guess I’m gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I’ve loved

To get to the other side

I guess it’s gonna break me down

Like falling when you try to fly

It’s sad,

But sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

I know there’s a blue horizon

Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me

But getting there means leaving things behind

Sometimes life’s so bittersweet

Time heals the wounds that you feel

Somehow…

But right now

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt

I guess I’m gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I’ve loved

To get to the other side

I guess it’s gonna break me down

It’s like falling when you try to fly

It’s sad,

But sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

Oh my life.

Today was just another day in India -

I woke up this morning turned on the hot water,

and as I prepared to start filling my bucket, the phone rang.

It was Nazar, which for some reason didn't worry me.

We had a program this morning, but never did I think that he was calling with bad news.

"Jen, the children are coming today at 9:00. I will not be there. I have a proposal that is due by noon and I have to work on it...I will be there to do pottery, but I need you to run the program."

Awesome. Typical, and I shouldn't be surprised, but neither was I looking forward to this.

There were 52 2nd-graders coming in an hour, and I had to run their program. So I showered, had breakfast [it was a dosa day, which always makes things better], and as I was walking back to my room at 8:30 Nazar called again to tell me we needed to use a different space than usual. As I was talking to him to figure out where we could host 52 students, Rathi came running up to me: "Jen! The children are here!"

Awesome. I was still in my pajamas. And nobody else was here - not Nazar, not Vinoj [who I had recruited to help me with the nature walks since Debbie is busy facilitating another program], not even Siddo, who was coming to film the program. Just me.

So I herded the kids together, brought them to the ampitheatre, did a welcome, played a game, learned their names, explained Visthar. But they are not only 2nd standard. There were kids from 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, and 12th. Ha. Finally everybody showed up, we got the kids situated, but nothing really settled down until they left at 1:00. The kids were naughty, Nazar was in and out, Vinoj left, and at one time I had two groups [like 30 people] with me on a nature walk...a nature walk during which they didn't listen or even follow my directions. At one time they started stroking my arms and pulling my hair, at which I wanted to say, "Don't pet me, pet the cows!"

As I sit here recovering, I feel like I should feel a sense of accomplishment. But I don't. What I do feel is wonder - wonder that, even after 6 months of working in this crazy and inefficient Indian culture, and after days like today, I still don't want to leave. After the program, I was chatting with Nazar and found out that he didn't know that I am leaving on Monday. I think he almost cried. That's ok though, because I did too. Even though I shake my head at all this nonsense now, I'm going to miss it.

Released.

Well, I just got back from 4 days in an Indian hospital with Devaney...and it is like I just got released from prison. I feel so free. [I also feel very behind in my work, but that is a different story.]

Indian hospitals are not like American hospitals. Actually, I don't really know because I thankfully haven't spent an extended amount of time in an American hospital, but...yeah. It was quite the experience. And even more of an experience because I was with Devaney. And I just want to give a shoutout to all you nurses out there...because we were "That patient" and I want to thank you for your patience with people like us, God bless you for wanting to spend all day every day caring for the sick and needy.

Love my Life

Last night [slash this morning because it was like 1am] when the kids got home, the first thing that kyle did was ask if I wanted to go for a walk this morning. Which absolutely blessed my heart. And it was incredible. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, and as we walked to Dodda Gubbi I took in the sights and sounds – children laughing, dogs running, fruit stands opening, and a man on a bicycle behind us singing at the top of his lungs. These are the things that I will miss in India. I will also miss these heart-to-hearts with my students. We talked about my month, his month, the things he learned while traveling, and the questions that it provoked, especially about faith and community. I love my life, I love the position of mentorship that I have with my kids, I love that my job is guiding their learning and listening to their growth. In India. Basically, I love my life.